Martha’s Summer Picnic Extravaganaza

Guys, I recently worked my way through the June issue of Martha Stewart Living and apparently all Martha does all summer is plan extravagant picnics for her nearest and dearest and presumably the people she hates and wants to impress.

I mean, those are the people I’d throw picnics for. But sometimes I’m not such a nice person. I’m working on it. Maybe Martha is further along in her Christ-like journey.

(HEY. It could happen.)

Anyway, June at the farm with Martha! Such a busy time.

Because I’m sure Martha herself is covering those garden paths with salt hay. She probably had to go buy it herself too. Suuure.

Ditto with mowing the fields. Give it up Martha.

Father’s Day, horseback ride. MARTHA DOESN’T NEED NO MAN.

I’m jealous of her workout schedule. Because she’s a lady in her 60s and I’m 29 and have had a load of laundry in the dryer for three days because it’s alllll the way down those steps ugh.

I understand…one or two of these words.

“The busier I am, the more creative I become.” Same, Martha! I say that all the time!

Oh wait, I say “The busier I am the more times I serve my children Aldi pizza or macaroni and cheese in a cup for dinner.”

That’s what I say. Right.

Yeah. Do this. So they can toss everything else and keep the gift card. So please for the love of God DON’T FORGET THE GIFT CARD.

(No one buys me gifts as a homeschooling teacher. I think we should change this.)

Maybe that’s why I have so much trouble getting my five a day- I completely forget my reusable mesh produce bags in my purse!

What if you’re lying on your bed on your stomach while your children are yelling in the bathtub? What exercises should I do then?

7 am roll out of bed hahhahahahahahhah. Sorry. I’m married to an engineer. It’s more like 5.

7 pm dinner? Hahahahahahah what is this Europe?

(Oh wow. It’s official. I’ve become a crazy suburban mom.)

An abomination. That’s what it is.

One is used to murder someone by decapitation and the other using blunt force trauma.

What. I watch a lot of CSI.

Ooh this was also in a CSI episode!

Yep. That’s what I need to do- make more pea-centered daily meal plans. My kids will LOVE THAT!

Hot and annoying.That’s what it would be like.

I went to a picnic last week. I ordered Noodles and just carried it in the bag from my car. Hashtag smarterthanmartha.

Guys guys guys! Know what is always in season??? Chocolate. And whipped cream.

Oh man this guy is gonna be so embarrassed when he hears about this little new company called Crayola.

That looks like a lot of work. Use a test strip? The only strips I use are for seeing if I ovulated and can start having sex again and I’d hate to mix those up with my kids’ paints. Awkward amiright?

And finally, a collection of ugly vases. With…is that celery? Go home, Martha, you’re drunk.