A friend of mine shared this amazing picture with me, and, I mean, the parallels to my happy home just abound.
Have Dinner Ready
I mean, ready is a strong word. I like to have some part of the meat (maybe? maybe we’re being “healthy” [read:lazy/poor] that night and going vegetarian) at least sort of cooking. Or in the fridge. Or at least in the car from the grocery store.
Listeria? Pssh. It’s fine. It’s Wisconsin. You can leave stuff out for awhile.
I feel like he definitely knows I’ve been thinking of him when he sees the hastily scrawled “Taco Tuesday” thing on the menu board. (Taco Tuesday is not a thing. It will never be a thing. I need to stop trying to make it a thing.)
Guys, this lady suggests only 15 minutes. I like to have a breakdown around 1:30, put everyone in their rooms, and pass out face first in a pillow for an hour or two. I find the pillow wrinkles and runny mascara to be a super sexy look. Sometimes I even brush my teeth when I get up. I know. We’ve still got it.
And I’m not messing around with any ribbon. My husband is a chemical engineer at a food ingredient plant. As long as I’m not wearing work boots and literally covered in meat products I’m the sexiest thing he’s seen all day.
Clear Away the Clutter
I totally run through the house frantically tying my hair bow and dusting before my husband gets home. I even do one better. I hide all the Target things I’ve purchased that day too, natch.
Prepare the Children
My husband’s little treasures are currently naked inside Snuggy Tails and coloring on the floor. I haven’t wiped the donut residue that their grandparents left yet and the boy smells suuuuuper funky. So…
Minimalize All Noise
I like to bind and gag the children before he gets home. There’s none of that pesky noise then.
Screaming “STOP IT I SAID STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER I WILL TAKE ALL THE THINGS AWAY!!!” isn’t relaxing? What?
And yes, I’m sure he’s been through some crap today. But was it literal crap? On his literal person? No? Then come talk to me after a glass of wine.
Make Him Comfortable
Ahahhahahahhah a lie down ahahhahahhahaha soft soothing tones ahahhahahahahhahaha I’m sorry I can’t this is just too much ahahahahahahahhhahahha.
Listen to Him
“Darling, let me listen to your day…ah cool. Okay. So the doctor called and I switched their appointments and I figured out who is going to watch the kids and did you do the Amazon order and I have to be gone on Thursday night so I’ve got a girl coming for an hour and did you get that present? No it’s fine I’ll do it. STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER. Okay let’s eat we’ve got stuff to do.”
Make the Evening His
So…making him make me a drink and watch figure skating is off the table?
To make it through another day. Good job, Buddy. Fist bump. It’s phase two.