MSL: Winter Edition

Martha doesn’t waste any time with these boring months in which she can’t throw parties to make other people feel  inferior because they don’t have a cottage farm. She bunches January and February together.

Okay I call bull on this. No one- NOT EVEN MARTHA- does weight training on New Year’s Day. Just because you copy and paste your workout schedule from week to week doesn’t make it true.

Just the ornamental ones. Not the functional beds. Rich people, yo.

Martha is nothing if not liturgically correct.

Stay tuned for next month’s issue, when we wait with Martha as she finds out the results of her PAP smear.

Martha I have ridden horses and if you oil your saddles the day before a hard ride you will have ruined breeches. But whatever, you probably have more than one pair.

Martha! She’s just like you! No one had to tell her the Super Bowl was on this day at all.

“Mommy no! I don’t want to go over there! She scares me!”

“Shut up do you want to go to college or not???”

Also, does that say Antarctica???

Yeah obviously and she doesn’t even pretend she’s going to do weight training while she’s there.

If I’m walking out in the snow I’d better get more than cookies. Somebody’d better have a lava cake or something.

This…this just sounds like a bad idea.

“…are the screams of the underlings when they realize what they’ve done. I mean gardening. That’s what I mean.”

Here honey. I love you so much I spent an hour folding this $15 card stock into a heart. I swore a lot. It’s because I love you.

Martha is obviously not super Catholic.

Wrap this up and I guarantee you the person you give it to will be all “Oh my gosh thank you so much it’s a…honey! Look what Martha brought!” with a smile so wide you can see their molars.

I like to keep my calendar and my cutting board in the same place. It just makes sense.

Or you can play Cards against Humanity and get drunk and tell people about your wedding night. I mean, that sounds more fun to me but whatever.

This was a typo. The correct question should obviously be, “Which insurance company can help me after I burn my house down because MY ARTISAN CITRUS PLANTS BROUGHT SPIDERS INTO MY HOUSE.” Geez people. Shop at Meijer like the rest of us.

I accidentally bought a lemon tree once instead of lemons and Martha assured me I could replant it and then harvest the lemons.

 

I feel like this lady and I would not be great friends.

My blanket was on sale at Target and probably made by ten -year-old slaves but it was $19.99. So…

9 out of 10 doctors will agree that the most important thing is that it SMELLS healing.

Oh lady. You’re not Catholic are you?

Yep. Definitely not friends.

Unicorn sweat also works. Both are about as easily attainable at this stage in life.

Nothing says “not getting any” like a vegetarian gratin.

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IT HAS A HEAD. Martha! CHILDREN SEE THIS.

Oh yay- a knitting piece! (Psst! Go check out my etsy shop!)

I don’t keep my yarn in a closet like a plebian. I keep a few of the more heathered balls in a $400 wooden bowl that was once used in a Buddhist ceremony and some antique needles for garnish.

Michaels? No?

This could be a horror movie. Don’t. Spill. The. Sap.

Not cute- when I inhale the whole piece of pie while my husband looks on in horror.

Pssh, Martha. You can get all the pincushions you need at Michaels. But you’ve never been there.