Last Friday I was sitting in the doctor’s office so she can give me another refill of the pills I’ve been on since Buddy was born. My children were fighting about who got to stand on the little step to the exam table. Loudly.
“Your blood pressure looks a little high- are you stressed?”
Ha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahahaahaha.
Guys, I had had A DAY.
It started at crack thirty when I got up, ran to attend to my monitor that’s super finicky like the babies it allows me to space.
Dropped the freaking monitor. Shattered the freaking monitor. Well. Crap.
I called my husband in literal tears and he was like, “Wait you dropped your computer monitor?”
No darling. The stupid fertility monitor and when in our almost five years of marriage have you ever heard me use the word “monitor” to mean LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE BYE I’VE GOT TO GO FRANTICALLY ORDER ANOTHER ONE.
Frantic Amazon order while my children (including the one that almost killed me and made me buy the stupid monitor in the first place) yelled at me about not attending to every single one of their wishes.
Frantic realization that it doesn’t matter that I bought another one, I can’t use it for awhile.
Frantic second Amazon order for an opk.
Frantic thought that I might have some sticks already from the last time I went crazy and started conducting science experiments in the bathroom first thing in the morning.
Super embarrassing frantic run to Walgreens. You don’t know embarrassing until you’re makeup-less and dragging two ill-behaved children to buy two brands of ovulation predictor kits. I could SMELL the judgment coming off the cashier.
Decided we could not stay home or I might murder someone, so we went to my mom’s. She’s super glad that in her retirement she has us to keep her on her toes.
My husband texts to tell me that he’s going to be super late. Awesome.
My contacts fell out.
When I tried to put new ones in my eyes rejected them and were like “‘mm nope not today loser.”
I’ll let you guess if I took the time to grab a pair of extra glasses while running out to buy embarrassing feminine items at 8am.
I don’t really even remember how that resolved but it must have because half an hour later I was on my way to the doctor with the kids.
Not even the fun pediatrician where you get stickers. My doctor. My doctor who works for an awful practice and while she herself doesn’t always annoy me literally everything else about the entire process from the scheduling of appointments and expecting people to be 15 minutes early for no reason and NOT TELLING THEM THAT to the cranky nurse to the fact that I have to come in every six months to get medication I’ve been on for four years…I’M GETTING ANGRY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. Gah.
My children are as well behaved as two small children usually are at a boring internist’s office.
She asked me stupid questions like “How do you feel about your weight?” (Not great but I liked the crushing depression from before I started the medication less!)
Then she goes, “And how about family planning? Are you good with the two?” (That were running around the office turning things on and off.)
I got ready to give my typical spiel, we’re using nfp no really it’s the best choice for us yes I have a gynecologist no I’m not stupid blah blah blah.
But it had been such A DAY that I couldn’t, so I just laughed and said, “Well yeah but my monitor is in pieces on my bathroom floor and I’m probably ovulating but I don’t know!”
She looked concerned (for my sanity.) “Wait, your what?”
“You know, the $200 fertility monitor that tells me when I can have sex without risking death? SHATTERED.”
(Darn right oh honey.)
Obviously concerned that some of the crazy will rub off on her perfectly successful size two frame, she hurried to wrap up the appointment by saying, “You’re turning 30 this year so we should probably schedule a mammogram.”
Oh yay! That’s what today was missing! Contemplating my mortality!
SO YES. I’M SURE MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS A LITTLE HIGH.
“Um yeah it’s been…a day. I think it’s just stress.”
Once I got home and got the kids (read: me) down for a nap I gained some perspective though- no one had died, nothing terrible had happened. Just a little stress.
Nothing patio drinks and Costco pizza with friends couldn’t cure.
And I got a shiny new touchscreen monitor out of the deal.
…and an order to come back in three weeks to see if my blood pressure has come down.